Thursday, January 19, 2006

What Osama really meant

Here is the transcript of the Truce offer from Osama bin Laden as translated by the BBC. As he explains that the US has not suffered another 911 because he has been so busy in Iraq, it makes it harder for the democrats to argue that Iraq has nothing to do with 911 or making our lives any safer. So we have added in brackets the results of our transmogrifier that translates what Osama is REALLY thinking as he is trying to spin a spider hole in Pakistan into a victory march down Madison Avenue.

In Brackets is the thoughts of Osama Bin Laden:

…Clears throat…
[I hope they don’t notice that no one ever calls for a truce unless they are losing… This is going to be a hard sell, but these Spoiled Yankee weaklings have lapped up some pretty lame liberal garbage in the past, so what could it hurt….OK, here goes…]

My message to you is about the war in Iraq and Afghanistan and the way to end it.
[I wish you never came to Iraq and Afghanistan, it really sucks]

I had not intended to speak to you about this issue, because, for us, this issue is already decided: diamonds cut diamonds.
[We know talk is cheap, and its best to let the scoreboard speak for itself, but even though it appears you are kicking our butts, we must unfortunately spin this mess]

Praise be to God, our conditions are always improving, becoming better, while yours are the opposite.
[Our trash talk is pretty lame, I know]

However, what prompted me to speak are the repeated fallacies of your President Bush in his comment on the outcome of US opinion polls, which indicated that the overwhelming majority of you want the withdrawal of the forces from Iraq, but he objected to this desire and said that the withdrawal of troops would send the wrong message to the enemy.
[Now that the Cowboy Bush has been reelected, unfortunately, and he is finally combating the best efforts of the Democrats to use the blessed opinion polls to do gods will, praise be to allah, we must accept that his remarks are moving the polls away from the position which favors us and the Democrats both. He is right about what message we are receiving and it sucks, big time, or I wouldn’t be waving the French battle flag (White flag) right now]

Bush said: It is better to fight them on their ground than they fighting us on our ground.
[Bush plagerized my material from the 1990s, that conniving bastard!]

In my response to these fallacies, I say: The war in Iraq is raging and operations in Afghanistan are on the rise in our favour, praise be to God.
[Do you know how bad a cave smells after a few days let alone 4 freakin’ years]

The Pentagon figures indicate the rise in the number of your dead and wounded, let alone the huge material losses.
[Although you were too busy in the 90s to notice the body counts from Somalia, Kenya, Khobar, The USS Cole, WTC I, and the rest, we know that the left loves to desecrate the efforts of your warriors, so if you do not bring them home, we will blame you for their deaths. Don’t you suffer from enough guilt already. If the guilt doesn’t get you, think of the financial losses that might effect your 401k plans]

To go back to where I started, I say that the results of the poll satisfy sane people and that Bush's objection to them is false.
[For god’s sake, your blessed media is trying to convince you that reasonable and enlightened people are moving against the defense of your people, so why won’t you just forget about this 911 business and join the bandwagon]

Reality testifies that the war against America and its allies has not remained confined to Iraq, as he claims.
In fact, Iraq has become a point of attraction and recruitment of qualified resources.
[I know there was a time in the Clinton years when we could move freely to any point on the globe and kill innocent people at will, but the Cowboy Bush rain us out of Afghanistan and created a killbox in Iraq. No longer are our forces moving freely around the globe, we have congregated in Iraq just as you damn westerners drew our ancestors into that trap in Salamis. After seeing those purple fingers I realize we need to focus less on Iraq and more on soft targets in Western countries, if only we can get a congressional hearing on those Wiretaps and putting panties on the head of our brave soldiers, praise be to allah.]

On the other hand, the mujahideen, praise be to God, have managed to breach all the security measures adopted by the unjust nations of the coalition time and again.
[The coalition of nations allied against us in our own backyard, adapt to every effort, but at least we are not being held hitless in the last eight innings]

The evidence for this are the bombings you have seen in the capitals of the most important European countries of this aggressive coalition.
[In the past 4 and a half years, most of our operations are in the middle east, but we did hit Madrid and London, which may have scared the not so aggressive Spanish leftists, but unfortunately awakened anger in the British]

As for the delay in carrying out similar operations in America, this was not due to the failure to breach your security measures.
Operations are in preparation and you will see them on your own ground once the preparations are finished, God willing.
[The checks in the mail. We might look like we are struggling, but we are resting. We miss the ability to move freely around the Moslem world, and it stinks having to fight in our own backyard, but we will return to the days of burning American buildings instead of Arab buildings.]

Based on the above, we see that Bush's argument is false.
[His arguments are legit, but it would be easy for you to drive to work or the mall and look away]

However, the argument that he avoided, which is the substance of the results of opinion polls on withdrawing the troops, is that it is better not to fight the Muslims on their land and for them not to fight us on our land.
[We were hoping that the liberal segment of your populace would have castrated you by now, but unfortunately this Cowboy Bush is not a slave to polls like that fornicator, Bill Clinton. Please stop killing us and go home already]

We do not object to a long-term truce with you on the basis of fair conditions that we respect.
[I am losing hope that your liberal wimps will have any effect and am now considering a temporary ceasefire,…After all shoot and scoot worked for that Stalinist Saddam for years]

We are a nation to which God has disallowed treachery and lying.
[Our nation’s virtues and values insist that we convince our minions to kill themselves while murdering thousands of innocent men women and children, while we sneak off in the night, god willing. You wouldn’t understand our superior morality]

In this truce, both parties will enjoy security and stability and we will build Iraq and Afghanistan which were destroyed by the war.
[Can’t we all just get along… We know that that wedding bombing in Jordan looks like we enjoy killing muslims, not to mention the 7000 Iraqi civilians we have killed, but Arafat built schools and I have funded public roads, and it might be a good time to try a carrot instead of a stick, because god knows, your stick is bigger than ours]

There is no defect in this solution other than preventing the flow of hundreds of billions to the influential people and war merchants in America, who supported Bush's election campaign with billions of dollars.
[You Americans love money, so if you won’t listen to my pleas based on liberal peacenik arguments and an offer for a social welfare network funded by murderers, then at least consider the cost of your ipods and those SUVs that burn so much middle eastern oil…And damn you all to hell for surprising us by reelecting that cowboy bush who just blew my lieutenants to bits while they partied into the wee hours. May god bring back the democrats, praise be to Allah]

[Your American Buffalo is inferior to my Arabian Lion. When you shoot at a Large Pride of Lions, The male Lions will charge you and the Lioness will flee. Your American Buffalo will watch his friend fall on either side with a bullet in the head, yet he continues to graze. We will defeat you because you only know how to graze and graze and graze. It is no longer in your nature to avoid the slaughter]


BBC Monitoring selects and translates news from radio, television, press, news agencies and the internet from 150 countries in more than 70 languages. It is based in Caversham, UK, and has several bureaus abroad.

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